you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
