i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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