I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
