I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
