Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
