If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
