working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
