Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
