Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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