EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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