I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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