hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
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