all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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