really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
