A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
