I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
