My cat gives me a boner
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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