Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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