Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
