So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
