the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
