my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
