I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
