I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
