You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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