Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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