I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Someone signed my nipple.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
