In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
