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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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