Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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