i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
