Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
