Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
