I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
