I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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