what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
