Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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