I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night