he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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