you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
