Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
