have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
