Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I came so hard my ears popped.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
