i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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