Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
