Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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