Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
