I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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