Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
