listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
