I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
